shedding another skin

By what have I been seduced?

men
money
religion
power
youth
knowledge
fat free food

each promising
an effortless glide
freedom from death
better sex

so I followed
in an undulating dance
seeking to reach
that highest rock
in the sun

a place where I could
magically camouflage
my real self

sinking

I am
further
down
in
this
well
than
I
ever
thought
possible

and

I
have
survived

still

when
I
look
up
I
can
not
see
the
stars

not
even
at
night

I
know
they
must
be
out
there

though

I
can
feel
their
pull

sitting in the harbor parking lot watching everyone else's ship coming in

seagulls go crazy
clamoring for clams
as fishing boats
unload their cargo

big houses squat
across our harbor
walls of glass
begging for stones

couple kissing
in next car
smiling laughing
step out for air
quick photos

a mom and kids
stroller along dock
little girl brightly dressed
sunshine eyes elude grey skies

a private blue light
peeks through
illuminates
my manuscript

alien spacecraft
hide behind large clouds
hover waiting
why?
we are not that interesting

solo

i am only an ocean
do not blame me
if i swallow you up
i am pulled to you
by the same moon
that pulls you to me

i am only a desert
do not curse me
if you lose yourself in me
i am burned by the same sun
that burns within you

i am only the sky
how could i be too blue
don't your reflecting eyes
make me what i am

There's an earlier version which comments on itself here.

soltice schmoltish

I hate Autumn

I crave light
like an honest man seeking Diogenes

I desire green
like a landscaper watching a snowstorm

I need warmth
like a kid with his tongue stuck to a flagpole

November grey sends me running for bleach
Naked trees send me scurrying for clothes
Near zero temperatures have me clinging to the thermostat

The extention cord of my space heater
frays as we are stretched beyond our limits

4:25 is just too early for sunset

Mother Nature

You're a lazy bitch

question

so which one was it?
chicken or egg
no one will ever know
but when it comes to dieting
the egg is first to go

survival

I am lost

how to endure
this exquisite thirst

one
that I am
mourns
us
that we
are not

life without

all moisture
insensibly lost
dried to center

desiccated
I visualize
your return
flesh reunites
to single being
new
growth
replaces
raw
alone
absence

you refresh me
sweet elixir

Take your philosophy and shove it

I just want to live happily
like the dumb little animal
that I am
with no fear
of paradise
or salvation

eternity weighs heavy
on my hypothetical soul

I have no desire
to worship
old gods
or new

I would rather go online today
write my own Socratic Virus
Email the bitter worm whole
with no concern
of kharmic retribution
for social suicide
as what goes around
comes around

Three seeds to the wind

It was the first winter
Persephone decided
to stay at her mothers'

Roses bloomed through January
then quit, exhausted

Oil was being given away for free
with the purchase of a security system

We instituted
the First Annual
Groundhog's Day Beach Party

Demeter was pissed off
It had gotten to be "that time"
in her life
where she was always too hot

anyway

Persephone was a big girl now
capable of taking responsibility
for her own decisions
about men

besides

she left hair all over the bathroom after a shower

"Why don't you at least see him for dinner?
Try to patch things up.
I'll even spring for the pomegranates".

to Daedalus

Birds are not very nice to each other.

They threaten, injure, kill,
steal food,rob nests and abandon eggs
affirming my belief that nature
is seldom kind.

I love to watch them though,
especially the gulls of our harbor
their backs and wings
forming perfect
little freshly starched
flying nuns hats
as they rest on a stiff breeze.

My life long jealousy
for being earthbound
as they race by me
is somewhat lessened
when I see them squabble
over a disgusting tidbit
thrown to them
from the back
of a fishing boat.

But, I swear,

I would stay away

from

the sun
the moon
the stars

if you would only grant me
one day in the sky with them

escaping the anchor
of this heavy world.

Bad Poem Contest - For Tom

Tom would sit inclined toward me like an animal at the dinner table when they think you are about to throw them a scrap from your plate.

I would chat on endlessly holding one-sided conversations designed to fill the uncomfortable silences left by Tom's one word answers.

Please I begged"Tell me about your family" using one of the questions Cosmo had assured me would endear me to men for my listening skills.

Tom said
"Well, when my father left us my mother only had a part time job that didn't pay well dusting picture frames in an art gallery, so since we didn't have much money and we couldn't afford to pay for the dog's food we had to have him put to sleep.

It was silent.

I looked down,
and I realized my plate was empty.

Tornado

everywhere I went
there were windows

windows

I couldn't escape
tried leaving
drawn back
kept returning

outside
dark clouds gathered
I stopped
gazed transfixed
as the clouds coalesced
into inverted
black spirals

each window the same
darkness
swirling into danger
bearing down on me
from nearby hills

I couldn't get away from the windows

I tried
hiding beneath furniture
but always beside
huge panes of glass

card tables and folding chairs
offered little protection

the instant the glass shattered
I knew I would be
torn apart
my blood spattering
a million shards of glass

soon I realized
my children were with me
I tried to hide them
protect them

we moved from one concrete block room
to another
but everywhere
there were windows

windows

danger threatening
everpresent
outside

suddenly
we were having a party
drinking rootbeer
eating cheese sandwiches
coming out from under
the tables and chairs
pulling up shades
throwing back curtains
sitting on couches
watching the cyclones
like a parade passing by

danger was there
but I had stopped worrying
we would live
or would die
it was beyond my control
we took what we had
and we made the most of it

I knew what I had been doing was pointless

I laughed

Santa's least frequent request list

large print books for children of older parents
tomb of the unknown toy soldier
poverty level barbie
genetically challenged beanie babies
drink and wet garfield
diabetic winnie the pooh
masturbate me elmo
radio controlled garbage trucks
sleep apnea ernie
binge and purge easy bake oven
virtual lawn pests
petite princess personal vibrator
sugar free candy land
anatomically correct snoopy

transformation

In heated silence
spread wings unfold colorless
without resistance

trapped

again
I am shrunken to fit
into my cape-cod style
dollhouse

its furniture is painted on its walls
carpet stencilled on its floor

there is no stairway
to escape the second story

I stand at the edge
of the open back wall
looking out

to stay means I must face
malevolence within
to jump
a fall
of unknown consequence

for years
I have teetered
at this precipice

I never turn back
I never go forward

I am always swallowed
in a black void
of indecision

upon

for P.A.

once upon upon
I came upon you
upon my soul
upon a midevening dreary
I looked upon
your Shining Countenance
upon your bright blue eyes
as upon a podium
you slaughtered upon

upon upon's eminent demise
upon looked upon me
begging
for mercy

take me upon your shoulders
I will heap goodness upon you

I placed my heal upon upon
grinding upon upon I laughed

watch out
Sweet Jesus
watch out

unchampioned

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - S.Freud

1
slug
making love to ground
leaves pecker trails
glistening
along sidewalks
at midnight

why such revulsion for this unassuming creature

it seems unfair
other denizens
of similar appearance
are said to evoke envy

what drags out this vehement hatred

do women fear rape,men mutilation

2
he taught my child
to salt those slugs
I would rather
have kept as pets

they made little noise
and were never known
to tip over
our garbage cans

3
away from him
in my own place
I encouraged them
kept lights on outside
at night
for their safety

when I tried
to buy them food
at a pet store
all I got
were funny looks

4
somehow
I killed one
last night

there was a disgusting
"pop"
as I climbed
red brick steps

I have tried hard
to convince myself
it was already dead
when I stepped on it

otherwise

it would have tried
to get out
of my way

unexpected company

in my empty nest
a breeze whispers
shhhh....
as leaves giggle
across concrete
outside my window

a floorboard squeaks
"mom"
stops my passage
through a hall

this afternoon
distant children's laughter
forces me
to check my watch

no snacks to fix today

just nuke a TV dinner
lock my door
turn out the lights
and tell myself
bedtime fairytales
of freedom

Earth Day

this Spring
there are so many unhappy trees
twisting in pain
thrown to cold ground
gang-stormed by a heartless Winter

those left upright try in vain
to pull pale green shawls
around once proud limbs
to hide their shame and scars

many not harmed
by ravages of weather
have succumbed to violation
by Power-Mad pruners

persons who must be hired
based solely on their ability
to fail an artistic aptitude test

truncated trunks cower quietly
stumped branches raised in supplication
in an effort to hold off
the next well intentioned attack

unreasonable facsimile

after my husband's head injury
I hurried him out of the hospital
he had lost his mind there

I wanted to go home
while I still had mine

we were followed home by his shadow

through those years afterward
while I mowed our lawn
shoveled our driveway
raised our kids
I kept hoping
for some magic power
to come to me
to help him find himself again

it never happened
he remains a stranger in perpetual boyhood
refusing adulthood
while I
with needle and thread
tried to sew up the shreds
of a once seamless marriage

what we once thought was kevlar
turned out to be gossamer

unstable

my face
a pale wall
on which I smear
pigments of imagination

it keeps you out
it keeps me in

a shield
with which
I protect myself
from enemies known and unknown

I stare
between its chinks
(pushing the wall before me as I go)
and through those breaches
kiss air
next to faces
of friends
foes
like Pyramus
his Thisbe

I do not see this wall as you do
merely its reflection
which I spackle and sand
with powder and puff
always renewing its surface
to continue
an illusion
of integrity

untitled?

A few night Robins
came to spend
the day with us
dropping napalm and ice cream cones
when they had reached
critical mass
we genuflected
before a weeping statue

I couldn't help thinking
what good drugs
you must have taken
for me to have
contact recurrences
all these years
later

virtually Elvis in a jumpsuit

with thanks and apologies to G.W.

there were few things she hated more than calling "him" for help
he always seemed to get the wrong idea
but
she had exhausted her funds from having the transmission overhauled
and if he had only done the routine maintainance
instead of hanging out down at the bar with his buddies...
but
she didn't want to start thinking about all that again
it wore her down
besides
she wanted to sound pleasant on the phone
after all
it made a big difference if she sounded pleasant on the phone
when she asked him for things
pleasant
helpless
and a little stupid

Honey( her voice just dripped pleasant)
that silly old upstairs bathroom sink is leaking down all over the kitchen floor again and you know how impossible it is for me to do plumbing and...

well "he" said he'd be right over with"his" tools ("his" tools?)
they both knew any tool he had
had come from her fathers workbench but she didn't want to start that argument again

she hoped she had caught before he had showered and changed
but
he walked in the door in a clean shirt, his good sneakers and an intact pair of pants
smelling of that expensive aftershave he had refused to wear while they were together

she just stood there in an old robe
looking as hapless as a flood survivor
and offered him some tea
which he gratefully accepted
commencing the ritual
of her putting on water
and him banging on pipes

they both knew that kettle could whistle all night long yet no tea would be made

he could tell she was all dressed up under that robe
and it was into the bedroom and back in a flash
just as a horn honked out in the gravel driveway
signaling it was time for her to go

bye bye
gotta run
promised Mary Lou I'd hang out with her tonight
kiss kiss
and she was out the door

gee
she did look real good
and she had called him

he finished up with the sink
cleaned up
and realized he had to change again
turned off the whistling kettle
and left
locking the door behind him
keeping the house safe for her return

outside the sky seemed clear
and full of endless possibilities

Vox Populae

as i crossed the empty parking lot in darkness behind me voices spoke

All: Don't worry

Soprano: It's all right
Alto: It will be alright
Tenor: It's going to be alright
Bass: It's gonna be awl rite

not sung
spoken
simultaneously
a strange chorus
of equal thoughts

I spun round
saw no one
though these voices
came at my back

fear

paranoia

curiosity?

who had done this?
what trick had been played?

I concluded

hallucination

angels

aliens

into my car
I readied myself
for a new communication

sat still
waited
nothing

driving home
two voices
same message

silly me
I actually turned to look

only crazy people hear voices

but my voices brought comfort
they did not degrade
or reprimand

comfort at a time when comfort was needed

even if they did scare the shit out of me

I told no one

afraid of the consequences of truth

if you say that to hear voice from within is insanity
I must disagree

rather
illusion lies in thinking the voices you hear
come from without

insanity
is listening to any voice that says
you are less than you are

Woods

I could get lost in these woods
that special way
light pipes down through
birds dancing branch to branch

Yes, I could get lost here
in new green
catching sway from a breeze

first I must lose track
of everyday things
that bind me down

you say I am silly
these woods are far too small
to get lost in

Yet, I could get lost here

Come with me?

Sandwiched

she has gotten old on me
sometimes I think I fret over her
more than I fuss over my young

"don't worry about me, I can take care of myself"

I complain about her sillyshoes
I know a fall could be fatal
a broken hip could signal the end

"you're the one who's always falling down"

she is smaller, more fragile
each time I see her, her steps less certain
at times she uses a cane

"It's just for stability, not support"

it has been years since my father died
I joke with her about finding a new boyfriend
though we both know she still loves Daddy

"who wants to take care of some old man anyway"

at times she makes me crazy
I must admit I am powerless over her
she has become unmanagable

"you are a bad girl" I scold
when I find her planning something
that is obviously beyond her abilities to do

"I think I should get a car"

all too soon
she will be gone
my confidant, my best girl friend, my Mother

"you could die before me you know"...

dedicated toM.G.S.E. 2/19/1916-10/09/2003

Dance Fever

As maggots wriggle across the screen
and she eats off he top of my head
I begin to hear the words
I will hear again and again
not realizing
I will hear them again and again
I listen
not realizing
their impact is great
not realizing I will eventually
be saying them

Iguess I listen
too closely

Another short lady

the world is full of raucous godmothers
screeching Martha, loosen up, have a drink
through smeared orange lipstick
in their best snarling smiles

that little mind within
unable to bear
a demeanor
more reasonable than their own

big breasts outhrust
one hand on hip
the other barely managing a cocktail and lit cigarette
they agress against all
it is too late
for them to be

Martha just smiles
her passivity
the higher form

Hypochondria

my mother passed her hypochondria
quite willingly on to my brother
he willingly accepted

she nurtured every suggested symptom
looking up new diseases
for him to have
in a big red medical textbook

for her own reasons
she forced good health on me

I was to be Caretaker

any time I complained
of an ache or pain
she stopped me
with a quick

"must be syphilis"

until one day
knowing that day
would certainly come

I complained

I waited

She came through
as I knew she would

"must be syphilis"

"yes"
I said
"Congenital"

I love you

fairsCaPe

I love you because...
no, not because.

I love you in spite of...
no, not in spite of.

I love you when...
no, not when.

I love you at,for,by,with...
no, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you.