surfacing

at times
even I
must come up
for air

those who have heard me read
or have slept with me
or know my life
might be surprised

but it's true

I always
try to come up
where it's safe

away from crocodiles
boat propellers
or eyewitness news teams

unfortunately
every now and then
I make a mistake

perhaps my timing is off
from waiting too long

under

my O2 too low
my CO2 too high
or nitrogen bubbles
burst in my brain
rupturing capillaries

how else could I have been so wrong

again

I rose slowly to surface
in a place made safe
(surely)
if not by nature
then by convention

and
WHACK!
I was hit full force
by paddles
in waters
I thought friendly

more acclimated to being under
I am back down
with a promise
to be more cautious
next time

home care

home care

a creature

of temperature

pressure

he floats

hydroponically

embryonically

on cushions of gas

within

without

transformatively obscuring

prolonging

delaying

home care

home care

Sonnyboy is at SBUH in MICU . He will be going to the OR at 12noon. He was still smiling when we left to get some sleep around midnight last night.I have a poem I will tyr to post on fairsCaPe. Thanks for all the good wishes.

goodbye and thanks

To paraphrase Valery
No blog is ever finished
only abandoned

metaphysical tendencies

Time is not real or natural

Just because you can arrive at a conclusion
does not mean you think


You think youthink

I cannot think
I think
I cannot reach a conclusion
I conclude

You are only machinery

I play by my own rules
I change them when I wish
They are my rules

You can't change them
I have contrived you

As everything is real
There is no criteria for reality

consciousness is not an enclosed individual

unconsciousness occurs as Metaphysicians think too hard.

notes

It is impossible to hold more than nine ideas in your mind at one time.

We are all saliva addicts.
Birth assures death.
Busy teeth are happy teeth.
Religion is a sadistic disguise.
Meat rots.
Each of us is guilt impaired.
No one masturbates alone.
Promises insure fallibility.
Real men don't eat real men.
Everyone lies.

It is impossible to hold more than three ideas in your mind at one time.

Better to curse the darkness, the light, the candles, and the matches.
Drug companies race to erase our conscious conscience.
Desperation junkies buy indulgences from their daily newspaper.
We have infected the moon.

It is impossible to hold more than one idea in your mind at one time.

Yesterday's glory is today's shit and tomorrow's hope.
Yesterday's shit is today's shit and tomorrow's shit.


Trust is everything.

The Poetry Fairie

Today I have written six poems.

"The Poetry Fairie was here again
while you were out," I say.

"Does that mean
you have one less poem
and one more quarter?"

The Poetry Fairie is not
like the Tooth Fairy.

"No,
You know better.
Poets with big books of poems
are always broke...

I have six more poems
and six less quarters."

The Poetry Fairie lives in a Penthouse on Park Avenue.

Equations

Where has the time gone?
she wanted to know

I point to my ample rump

Right here

I try to figure an equation
whereby time
(which is basically without mass)
is converted into fat
of which my lower portions
are thickly supplied

I am looking
for the Eternal
Time=F(at)a(SS)
connection

when
I find I do not know
an adequate amount
of math or physics

So, I turn to Him
for the answers
the man who gains 50lbs.
and still looks thin

for I feel

He must already
have figured
it out

old math

people will love you
if you can
tell them the time
00:00

they will like you
if you can
add +
and subtract -

they will be suspicious
if you can
multiply x
and divide /

they will hate you
if you can
do logarithms .

they will either kill you
or call the police
if you can
find the f(x)

they will worship you
if you can
remember their birthday
00/00/00

mathematical aesthetic

beauty corrupted

47-23-37
pornography!

48-24-36
ah,now,that's more like it

49-21-35
charming...

rust:pets=fire:animal sacrifice

?

you are the code

I am the cryptologist


you are the mystery

I am the sleuth


you are the enigma

well I...

three monkeys--- ten minutes

seasons-----color-------temperature---sounds-------sights------feelings

spring-------green------warm-----------chirps--------crocus-----renewal

summer----red----------hot-------------cicadas-------ocean-----freedom

fall----------gold---------cool------------wind----------leaves-------reality

winter------white-------cold-------------still-----------snow-----mortality

mating------flesh-------steamy----------moaning------skin-----sensuality

killing-------blood------icy---------------screams------death---------anger

greetings---rainbow---tepid------------laughter------cards----happiness

holiday-----cash--------boiling----------bells-----------gifts-----------tired

back to
school------ink----------chilly-----------chalkboard--books-anticipation

premorteum

death sits on a boulder
in my front yard

as I run out to my car
death sticks a bony finger
my way

"you can't touch me"
I say
running faster

death laughs

"keep running sweetie"

"all I need to do
to catch you
is to sit still"

lady doctor

when I sought you out
pregnant with my third
how could I guess
our future's pain

I still feel
I should have known
somehow

should have known
you were just
"one of the guys"
in a skirt

as our ninth month ended
confusion cleared
as I met my sisters
other nurses
with eyes that said
what was in their voice's edge

run
be afraid

but it was too late
I couldn't be afraid
or more afraid

as
my
life
ran
away
in
one
scarlet
instant
I
understood


today
I shower kisses
on my ruined child

live proof of your errors

my rage lives on

for A

we stand tall trees
your fine young man
caught in branches dead
mine trapped under bark alive

we can not alter this misery
though we give back all

cut us down whole
for some useful purpose
so as not to see our buds
thrown to ground
unblossomed
withering

we have fruit to ripen
meeting you I knew this

we hold our roots
steady in fertile soil
challenging merciless wind

sonnyboy approaches 12

I watch his body's
metamorphosis
from boy to man

all three changed
from infant to child
before my eyes
but my older two
hid man
beneath their clothes

I only caught glimpses
of chest hair
thickening shoulder
lengthening thigh

not this one

everyday his flesh
is unfairly displayed

I count
each pubic hair
worried how
this natural growth
will affect
diaper changes

he has some acne

it is not right
to have to use
diaper cream
pimple medicine
on one person

his voice is deepening
soon
he will grow beard
thick muscle
denser bone

I have always called him
Big Man
he is ready
to soon fulfill
that prophecy

becoming a man

D will be 13 this summer. His mother B carried him
while I carried Sonnyboy who will be 13 this spring. Sonnyboy is at home

with his aide J. While D works outside with B,
Sonnyboy is having his diaper changed. I usually don't think

about the difference but today I stand on the threshold
of the apartment where I lived when they were born. I look across

the street and D and B are up on the hill preparing
their garden for spring and tears fill my eyes. I realize

at this point even if Sonnyboy lives for 100 years he will never
catch up enough to be out in the garden with me talking

and weeding. I go out to the curb and sit on my car, compose myself,
and as I glance at the house, I see B and D reflected

in the bay window. Sonnyboy's father and I put that window in by ourselves,
years ago, before I stopped looking up and out and ahead.

before

Grandma gave me a gold ring
with a sparkly blue stone
I was less than five
some how I slipped past Mommy
wore it out to play
through forbidden woods
past dangerous berry bushes
into a treacherous sand pit
where big children
taught me to ride
flattened out cardboard boxes
down steep loose sandy pit slopes
of which a small child's adult mind
holds only one picture
coarse red sandy cardboard boxed memory
wind rushing past
flying forward down
under bright hot sunshine

I don't know
if I gave my ring to someone
or if someone took it
or if it just slipped off into sand
but I went home without it

Grandma never gave me
anything like it
ever again

Today coarse red sand grits
under my boots
protecting me from slipping
on icy sidewalks

I look down while I walk

dropped stitches

for #2 son

I knit those cells together
out of oatmeal
folic acid
tofu
fried eggs

I counted
calories
grams
micrograms

so please son
when you fall
while rollerblading
try not to leave
too much behind
on the pavement

love

Mom

Freudian Chips

Superego sniffs my breath as I walk through the door.
Ego shows me his latest drawing.
Id hugs and tries to bite.

Superego lists my wrongdoings.
Ego goes to the kitchen to fix me a cup of coffee.
Id runs in circles.

Superego is my creation.
Ego developed on his own.
Id is all that survived.

Superego hates our similarities.
Ego watches and learns.
Id just loves me.

missing stamp?

Postman Postman don't delay
Send this letter on its way.

(1)
like an oversized
piece of mail
I refuse to fit
through a slot
that others
slip through


(2)
we are letters
sent from here
going there

some Standard
others Special Delivery

(3)
others sent
with good intention
wind up
at a Dead Letter Office
never reaching
their destination

all SWAK

dedication

Here together
safe within this poem
I can not bleed
and you can not die

we can eat raspberries
right off this bush
without getting pricked

a warm sun
will always shine
on your bouncing curls
as you run across our lawn
quarter in hand
to meet the ice-cream truck

I can smooth your sheets
run my hand over your lean fair chest
feel your heart beating
as I tuck you in each night

But when I leave
the safety of this poem
I must leave you behind
on this page

I must return to a place
where
sun holds no warmth
food has no taste
where
mothers bleed
babies die

and fair is just a four letter word

miss

1
cries
of my neverborn
echo
in the cavern
of my empty womb
as last drops
of remembrance
turn from red
to yellow
to clear

my body searches for you
in nightly sweats

my breast ache
through to my heart

I grab for air
in great shudders

nothing
will bring
you back
into me

into focus

only other babies
are everywhere
every talk show host
has every pregnant
drug addict
on TV
flaunting
full bellied
lack of care
or
good intention

my despair
becomes a howl

2
I am advised
to get over it

IT

I so need words
of sympathy
understanding
comfort

please
I have lost my baby

I'm sorry

I refuse
to forget

IT

to get over

IT

so well
as to be left
with no heart
at all

new Love

for Sarah on the birth of Susan Elizabeth



you have to tell me about her


her downy head against your lips
how she fills you with her soft perfume
her tiny voice spilling
on to your open arms
crying for your breast
in innocence
on womblike nights

you have to share

let me hold her in my mind
help me remember
how it was for me
when I held my own
just after
they passed through me
into this world

unfinished business

Christine's Mother died last night
I curse myself
full of regret
for never meeting
the mother
of the woman
my son has loved
for all these years

I should
have gone to the hospital
should have told her
I will watch over Christine

What stopped me?

I feel small
and stupid
and useless

I want to wrap my arms
around Christine

tell her
I will be you mother now

But how can I?

I barely know her
I barely know my son

and
I know too well
love doesn't always last

What if they decide to part?

her grandmother
my grandmother
her mother
my mother
all had breast cancer

I am afraid

I am afraid
of losing Christine
to this awful disease

I am afraid
for my son

I am afraid
for myself

Gaia

As the goddess arises
from her sleeping couch
she stretches out her right arm,
all ugliness disappears
from the world,
she raises her left,
all beauty restores,
she breathes in deeply
impurities are pulled from air,
as she exhales
sweet fragrance emanates.

As Her eyes flutter open
she beholds this world
as she left it
with no knowledge
of the evil that transpired
while she slept.

The goddess calls to her children
they gather at her feet
giggling nervously
at nightmare tales
told by the goddess
dreamed in her restless slumber
knowing these revealed secrets
as the facts of their lives.

Her children pray;
please do not sleep
our world loses control
when our goddess sleeps.
She laughs at their foolishness
not knowing that mice
will get into their grain
once she closes her eyes.

lost and found

FairsCaPe ...has no life. -Dirk the Feeble


someone
has taken my life

it's gone

this life
I've been left
in return
is entirely
the wrong style
wrong shape
wrong color

I had it all

glorious mornings by the sea
fulfilling days of meaningful work
passionate nights of intimate perfection

if you know what I mean
perhaps someone
has taken your life
or
perhaps
you have found mine

if you have
please get in touch
let me know
I'll come by to pick it up
first thing in the morning

no questions asked

swing

body limited by constraints of time space direction
minds dimensions infinite

mind does body's bidding constructs framework called reality

mind regains control each night forces body to sleep
ignores its constructs passing freely from past to east to last

now close eyes
lay down reality

travel on my swing

hard flat wooden seat softens to rubber to caressing hand
sways you breeze gentle in distancehazy dappled sunlight

swing harder schoolyard fence clearblue sky arc past

clench hands tight feel chains cut palms
tip back legs up hair streaming closed eyes flicker open
earth races past

let clever brain treat body to instant altered reality
anxious delight

come spin
round around around
faster faster faster
stop
stare hard at twisting world
laugh as left tips up over right
try to walk
fall
strain against a new gravity
mild nausea your price
for reality tampering

come with me to my pool
you can stand its only chest deep
now a triple underwater somersault
run out of air panic lose direction
no up no down
flail surface gasp

let your mind take you
where your body can't go

body an uneasy tyrant
makes you pay for each trip

exhaustion headache hangover

still each night
mind sleeps
dreams
wins